Tonight was day two of the journey to sleep-train my three-year old. I re-arranged my room and put his toddler bed as far away as possible from my bed. He has his own room, but I wanted to transition him there gradually. Or at least that’s what I had to tell myself.

I sleep-trained my first by letting him self-soothe (cry it out) in his crib, while I went in to console him countless times and cried, too. It never sat right with me.

When I think about that, I regret allowing myself to be pressured into using the Ferber Method. It only made things harder for me as I was nursing, and the baby still wanted to feel me close. I felt it and knew it, and I continued with the Ferber Method anyway.

I learned that I am not one of those self-soothing moms. And I do wish I had done it differently, but I’m glad I saw the lesson and could apply it to my second.

It only took a few days of my first crying it out, and me going in and out trying to console him. He eventually stopped crying. He slept through the night and self-weaned a few months later.

To everyone it seemed like a success, but to me it still felt like I could have and should have done it a better way.

Fast-forward to tonight, I was putting my little one to bed as he frantically walked around the house sobbing, and searching for spider man and bat man to sleep with, and it just came to me.

For the last few hours, I had allowed myself to feel this sort of anger, frustration, even annoyance. A few people and events got to me, but in reality I was just choosing to still be pissed.

And during this time of his need, as my little one procrastinated because he knew sleeping in his own bed was imminent, I realized that I wasn’t present. Not for him and not for myself.

I wasn’t there with him in that moment, allowing him to not only see me “trying to be okay,” but actually being okay and calm and calming to him.

Last night, day one didn’t go so well. He was frantic, too, got up multiple times, and eventually cried so much, he upset himself to the point of vomiting. Needless to say, he ended up in my bed. #notsorry#noregrets

So as I tucked him in his bed tonight, I prayed, sang, and then went silent. I began breathing deeply. I didn’t know what else to do!

I was sitting on the floor next to his bed, legs already crossed. I erected my back, turned my palms, closed my eyes and focused on breathing.

Eyes closed, I became fully present in the moment by only focusing on that breath. I didn’t speak to him or touch him, but I was sitting right next to him so he would know I was there.

My intention was to find a way to soothe him into this new thing, sleeping in his bed. But I knew I had to find a way to control what was going on in me first, before I could ever help him.

Soon I could hear his breathing getting deeper. I peaked with one eye and his were still open.

I went back to meditating.

Every time I meditate, after I get into my breathing, I focus on a statement/affirmation/question.

I’m not an expert at meditating nor have I ever been formally trained. I have watched a million videos and read a ton of books, blogs and articles, so that makes me a reliable source to MYSELF. Maybe one day I’ll make it official. Maybe and probably not.

Anyway, this is how I’ve managed to silence the thoughts and when they can’t be silenced and/or aren’t meant to? This process has allowed me to listen through the noise and distractions.

During the whole time I was pissy earlier, he was too. When it was time to sleep in his own bed, and I wasn’t there for him fully in that moment, he was frantic. When I focused my attention on ME, not him, he felt reassured, complete and safe enough to fall asleep.

Of course I already knew the fundamentals of energy. I already knew that I could impact his entire existence like that. I already knew that if I only got my emotions together and went within, I was one instant, one decision away from being in a totally different mental state.

But I had CHOSEN to be pissed. Allowed it. Sat in it. Just kinda stayed there. It happens to everyone!

Well, decision time came, and I could no longer my personal responsibility. No person, situation, event had caused me to truly be pissed. I was making that choice and I was ignoring the consequences of that choice.

I had no idea meditating was going to work. I didn’t know what to do to calm him. And I knew I wasn’t calm and wasn’t present, so instead of ignoring those feelings and thoughts, I embraced them and I released them.

Within 10 minutes he was completely asleep and snoring.

As I pried Batman and Spiderman from his loving grip, I saw his angelic little face and it reminded me of just how powerful and capable we human beings are.

Imagine how we impact every single person we come into contact with?