I sat down with the intention of visualizing my goals and ended up having a spiritual moment that resulted in happy and grateful tears.
As I closed my eyes, the first vision I had was me at an airport. It’s been so long since I felt the hustle and bustle of traveling and airports that I used to complain about every so often when I was in corporate. I pictured myself at an airport about to board a plane because subconsciously, I know that the next level of my journey is going to bring lots of travel.
I love to travel. I miss traveling. But I didn’t realize my fear of success was so real and raw right now as I get closer to major shifts. And knowing what I know about the mind and about myself, I realized that those same fears of success had been blocking me from moving forward. I just hadn’t seen it so clearly, and I didn’t realize it had so much to do with my children.
So as I continued visualizing, thoughts of my children came to my mind. I realized, my visualization had turned into meditation. I realized I was hearing messages and gaining clarity. I realized at first, I was all over the place. I realized there was so much more than just visualization and mindset work at play! Instead of trying to shush the thoughts and fight the images, I allowed them with openness.
Little stabs at my heart began, remembering when my first born was just an infant, and I had to end my maternity leave early to go back to work, which included travel. Lots of travel or the next 6-7 months. To be more specific, imagine me jumping on a plane to Pasadena, and leaving him for one week straight when he was barely one month old. Then doing that week after week for the next few weeks, seeing him every few days, followed by the sporadic travel that came after that one assignment.
Tiny, subtle and yet heart-wrenching flashbacks of those moments came back. I felt so grateful back then to have the job I had. Even though I eventually decided that the corporate life wasn’t for me, I enjoyed that job and everything I got to experience and learn because of it. But leaving my baby to go back to work was hard. My feelings of excitement over my job were clouded by sadness. I was pumping and freezing breast milk every few hours and carried around with me a little portable cooler with 4-5 ice packs. It was a constant reminder that I wanted him with me.
I froze milk in hotel mini fridges and fought airport security when they wanted to do more extensive testing on my frozen breast milk. They were checking for explosives, but I was making sure my baby had enough to eat. I had many mixed emotions, but the dominant one was the pain of having to leave him by force, I thought.
Back then I didn’t realize that I still had other choices. New house, new baby, car payments, etc. Money had to come in somehow, and that’s the only way I could do it – I told myself. I told myself so many stories about what success meant and about what motherhood meant. So many stories every fiber of my being believed them.
So here I was afraid to succeed. Here I was trying to see the good in my goals and desires but only seeing the bad that may come of it. Then I started to see the face of my youngest, and the pain increased. My heart skipped a few beats at the thought of leaving him. The guilt of wanting what I want, wanting to be successful and help millions of people, was overpowering.
Why was I hurting during this exercise if I was supposed to be visualizing my goals and dreams? How had this turned into pain instead of pleasure?
The answer was right in my face. I was afraid of succeeding.
My mind knows that I am capable of, having always been a person who strives for success. It knows what I’ve accomplished before and the determination I have now to go above and beyond on my mission to help the masses with my message. It knows that success, in whatever definition I give it at any given time, is totally possible. Naturally, it reminds me of what accomplishing those goals again might feel like, protecting me from that anguish.
My own brain tried to sabotage my success by reminding me that it was once painful. And because fear is a bitch, I listened. Not realizing that it wasn’t the success that had made it painful, but my choices, and the stories I told myself that led to those choices.
This time, after sitting in that pain from the past for a few moments, having what felt like thousands of memories run through my mind, I saw it for what it was: good old fashioned FEAR.
I was afraid of missing my children, afraid of not being with them, afraid of hurting them with my absence, afraid of having to end up in court again in custody disputes, afraid of the change it would bring everyone everyone in my home, afraid of the extra responsibility and “work” it would entail, afraid I wouldn’t be able to find a way to make it all work out. All the fears you can think of – I had them.
What if something happens to them while I am traveling? How will I see their precious faces every day like I do now? Mommy guilt is a bitch. What if I start doing all the things I dream of doing and regret it?
Then whispers started to provide responses to my questions. In the past, I learned to ignore those whispers that provided answers, but in my wisdom now I know better! Hitting your head against a concrete wall a few times will do that to ya!
Listen to Yourself
You can bring them with you.
You can Facetime.
There is always a way if you look close enough!
This is what you really want.
This is how they will see the world with you.
The schedule will always work itself out.
You will always find a way.
They will always be taken care of.
You will always be there for them.
They know you love them.
You can do this.
You were made for big things like this.
This is not like the last time.
You work for yourself, remember.
You call the shots.
You can be successful and an amazing mom.
If celebrities can jump on planes and make it happen, you can too.
You can do this.
There is always a way.
We always have the power of choice. When we feel we have no choices left whatsoever, that’s when the choices count the most! I was choosing to feel the way I felt because the stories I was telling myself about what it meant to be a great mother and be successful were bullshit. They were limiting me, not challenging me. It was blocking me, not setting me free.
I knew that’s not the person I want to be, and that’s not what my message to my children and the world is about. So being obsessed with the way some humans choose to challenge themselves to achieve self-mastery and greatness, I decided to punch fear of success and mommy guilt in the face. Don’t get me wrong, it still creeps up on me. It tries oh so hard, but I see it for what it is, and I decided that I have no place for it in my mind, heart, body and spirit.
The easiest way to fight that fear of success and mommy guilt? Listen to yourself. We know we are good moms. We know we are on a mission for greatness. And we know that part of that success is for our children. We just have to make more of an effort to listen to the positive messages inside more than we listen to the negatives that arise.
See Emotions for What They Truly Are: Messengers
I see those feelings for what they are. I honor them. I am grateful for what they teach me about myself and my purpose in this world as a mother and healer. But I no longer take their message and turn it into a story.
You are not a bad person for wanting more. You are not a bad mother for wanting success. You are not a bad mother for going after your dreams. You are not abandoning your children when you put yourself first. You are not neglecting them when you choose to not neglect yourself.
You are giving them a better you, a better mom. You are showing them what it is to make it work, to find a way. You are showing them that dreams come true and believing in yourself is the key.
You are showing them that anything is possible!
I began to cry and I heard: “if you want them to be better, have better, live better and do better you have to show them how it’s done.”
You have to show them what is possible. You have to show them that ANYTHING is possible.
You have to show them how to not manage life, but CREATE it.
My journey isn’t just about helping millions, it’s also about helping my children know, do and be more than just followers and bystanders in life. Passing along an expanded and open mind, ears that hear the soul and a heart that loves deep enough to see beyond the physical, temporary and material – is my greatest gift to them.
What is your big vision? Because whatever it is, I can promise you that change will always equal resistance. That big vision will require you to take big steps. And those big steps will trigger lots of thoughts and feelings that will either push you forward or hold you back.
Lead by Example
The more you help people, the more you help your children.
The more you grow, live and blossom, the more you help your children, grow, live and blossom.
The more you love and take care of yourself, the more your children will love and take care of themselves.
The more conscious and intentional you are with your time, energy and love the more your children will do the same while they walk this earth.
If you want them to have it all, you have to show them how it’s done. You have to show them that it’s possible.
You have to show them to believe in themselves.
Helping the masses, and being the best guide I can be to my children as they walk through life, boils down to setting that example in and for myself FIRST.
That’s the only way to know you are doing, giving and being your best everyday. And that’s the key to living in service to others.